paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
