the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
