How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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