Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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