I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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