respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
