hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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