Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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