dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
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And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
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Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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