my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
