someone owes me an orgasm
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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