I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
