I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
