It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
