I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
