u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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