PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
