I wish my penis had an off switch
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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