3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
