I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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