I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
