Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
