Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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