I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
where am i from again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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