Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Randomize
