Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
