I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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