haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
