you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
