I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
