What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
