Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
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keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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