look no pants
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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