I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
