my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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