The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you didnt know i had herpes?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
