1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
