i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
