I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Less talking, more tequila
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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