I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
