I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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