she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
