No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
