Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
