Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
