summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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