Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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