I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
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Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
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ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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