maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
