i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
