I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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