Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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