your room smells of hookers.
And success
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
