don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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