I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
