a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
