Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
